Family Systems Make Your Home a Refuge

Chaos and confusion are the new normal for most families. But you weren’t meant to lead in survival mode. This article is about practical, faith-centered systems that bring peace, order, and strength back into your home.

People, families, kids, parents, are so distracted these days. People have always been busy, but the amount of things fighting for everyone’s attention is at an all time high. Family time is stretched thin to non-existent, with no end in sight. 

But, this does not need to be your home anymore. Instead of acting like everyone else in the world, reacting to what’s in front of you, and getting blown off course to the point that you feel like you and your loved ones might never get back on track.

Building a Home That Runs on Purpose, Not Chaos

If outside influence, noise, and distraction is the culprit, then determining to protect your family from them is the decision to make. 

-What we allow, we accept

Because of this, we have to act. Take action, do things differently. That is what this article is about. To give some options, and to encourage you to use them, change them, and adapt them to your home and family. Why? Because I want your home to fight back against the chaos and distraction that has too many people paralyzed from living life.

Let’s dive in, shall we?

Family Systems for Your Home

As said above, this is a suggestion list, not absolutely set in stone. It is a really good start for families who feel helpless, or need a push in the right direction.  I like simple, because simple equals actionable. We are not going for perfection here, but practice. A regular pursuit made habitual, is much better than polishing a perfect plan that never happens.

1. The Weekly Family Meeting

More than a simple check-in, a weekly family meeting establishes good order. Call it what you want: A convocation, a parley, the weekly conclave, you family congress, have fun with this! What can take place at one of these regular rendezvous? 

  • Prayer: Always a good idea and start. Give thanks, ask for grace, and forgiveness, direction, discernment, and help. Pray for each other, and those outside your family. 

  • Check in with each other. You ought to do this more than once a week, but this is the regular big check in.

  • Go over values that are important, and that you want to emulate and pass on. 

  • Calendar review starts here. What, no family calendar? Well, now is a great time to start one. Social engagements, school projects and tests, family events, chores, daily responsibilities, doctors appointments, music lessons, sport, what have you! Put in on a big calendar that you all can review and see what is coming for the week and month ahead! Tired of reacting to things? A calendar helps put control and authority back into your family's hands.

  • Memory verse, etc. Things that you want your family to pursue and practice. Don not be “ruled” by the calendar, but use it to see obligations, and check patterns. Is your family constantly on the go, and never around one another? Family meetings are where you discuss the good, the not so good, and establish boundaries and priorities.

2. Start the Day Strong

  • Prayer, blessings, breakfast. Big hugs, encouragement for the day, recheck the calendar. Begin the day from a position of determination and strength.

  • Read scripture, daily. You have made time for instagram, YouTube, the news and weather for years. Prioritize what you focus on. Let God speak to you first. 

  • Go over worries, concerns, questions. Let you spouse and kids know they have your love, support, and attention. 

  • Go, fight, win.

3. Device Zones & Tech Hours

Ahh, screen time. This keeps popping its ugly head up doesn’t it? These devices can be a really useful tool. But, they can also become dominant, controlling our attention, and sucking precious time away from the important things, like life…

  • Many families insist on no phones in bedrooms or bathrooms. I go further. No phones, computers, tablets, or any device that is not immediately right beside mom or dad. Want to guarantee that your son or daughter is exposed to porn and other nefarious content? Give them an internet connection and unfiltered access to a device. This is a hard line. Hold fast.

  • Screens off 30 minutes before dinner. And, prior to that, limit screen time in general. Some people cut their family’s devices out entirely. While I surely understand the sentiment, I have seen this situation backfire in a bad way. I know families where, when a child can go out on their own, get their own phone and literally lose their bloody mind and soul with it. Not ever having access, understanding, guidance, and discernment taught about this tool, it consumes them. Somewhere in the middle is probably a better goal…

  • Shared charging station in the kitchen, or very public household area. And, parents, you as well. Do not be perpetually tethered to your phone or a laptop. Your kids want YOUR attention, and to see your face and make eye contact. Give it to them, and make it common practice. Read, cook, play music, go outside. Be a family.

4. Dinner Table Discipleship

Phones off, eyes up. For the evening. Redeem mealtime, at LEAST once per day. Food should not be rushed, either in its preparation or enjoyment. Mealtime is a time to SLOW DOWN, and feast together! Make it special, light candles, play some good music, smile!

  • Pray. Give thanks, for God, His provision, and all the blessings we enjoy. Talk about the day, ask about each other (see a pattern here?), give compliments, and show love. 

  • Clean up together, and let the kids help. More on this momentarily.

  • Use this time, and immediately after, to close out the day. This is the book end of Starting the Day Strong. How did things go? Wins, losses, hard moments, victories, fears? Ask for it, and listen. Pause before feedback. Consider, ask good questions. Reason through things. Let them think and respond. Give guidance, give praise, correct gently as a family, firmly in private. Praise in public. 

  • Check the calendar for tomorrow, adjust things if necessary. End the day with stories, books, music, family.

5. Chores + Responsibility

We have an epidemic of adults who can’t do, well, much of anything. They have a hard time showing up, on time, or at all. They are fairly helpless, and fragile. I firmly point to the fact that too many parents don’t give their kids any responsibilities or WORK TO DO. We are raising men and women, not perpetuating childhood. Not allowing your kiddos responsibilities is denying them growth into who they must become.

  • Start early. Even toddlers can “help”. Yes, semantics for sure. YOU are doing 95 percent of whatever your are asking them to do. BUT, that 5%, is very powerful. Kids LOVE HELPING. 

  • Build work ethic. Reward effort, not time. Balance work with reward/play. Work WITH THEM. This is a real leadership and stewardship time. It is interesting what perspectives and conversations come up while working with your kids. Enjoy it.

  • Attach privileges to responsibilities (build ownership, not entitlement). Most of life is earned, and work reveals this as your children grow up. All hands pitching in does build character. These things are sorely missing in recent generations. It is our job to fix this mom and dad.

  • Put regular chores on the calendar. Not all rewards need to be toys or money.

6. Sabbath or Rest Rhythm

Biblical definitions for Biblical things. Sabbath is in the Bible, and reading the Bible changed so much for myself and my wife. Listen to God, not someone’s opinion. Scripture has clear rhythms and patterns, seasons, and time. Rest is part of it, and God gives us more than just hints on how we are to approach these things.

  • Phones off. This is a day of rest and worship. Do that.

  • Worship, walk, or rest together. Be a family.  Scripture, song, fellowship, outside, seasons, all of it. As crazy and frazzled as people are, one would think that this idea would be the easiest to convince people of. But no, a fight too often. Be encouraged to TRY IT, and see the results.

  • No errands, no chaos—just family and God. The whole day. Make it special, the way scripture presents it. He made it for us, not for Him.

7. Family Mission Statement, Goals, and Legacy Planning

Legacy, bloodline, future generations. Most people have thought this way since time began. Until us. We are a culture out for “number one” at all times. Sad doesn’t come close, and we wonder why kids are so self focused these days… Let’s put some of these “old ways” of thought and practice back into our families.

  • What do you want your family to be known for?  Generationally? This is not a crazy thought, but a real ideology worth considering. Family traditions can grow into real legacy.

  • Goal setting. Short term, medium, and long term must be practiced, taught, and passed on. Passive living is unacceptable. Have aspirations to better each other, and pursue good things. 

  • One-sentence motto posted in the home. Or several. All families have their own language and terminology. Have some common phrases. One of ours is based on my wife and I having service careers. Me, law enforcement and professional close protection. My wife is a medical professional. We focus on helping others, and have specific and unique skill sets as a result. We want to pass this ideology on to our kids, so we say: “We are Seigmunds. We do hard things, because others can’t.” This isn't making us higher than others, but instilling the fact that we serve in ways not everyone is able to. 

  • Kids memorize it. Parents embody it.

  • Grow from here, and regularly revisit the long term ideology and trajectory you are leading and aspiring toward.

The chaos of the world wants your family to be, chaotic. Fractured, and distracted. Our culture definitely emulates these traits loud and clear right now, no? Chaos is the enemy of a Foundation of Faith, and a strong and resilient family. You, your spouse, and your kids all need and want a better rhythm, and thrive in good structure. Putting mindful, purpose filled systems in place to not limit you, but enable real freedom.

Don’t be overwhelmed, pick one for this week, and give it a go. Second for next week, and so on. Practice them, and adjust. But, act on these, and don’t just think about it and stay the same. Your family won’t stumble into strength. You have to systemize it. And when we do, we create homes our kids want to come back to—because peace lives there.

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Introducing The 7 Pillars of Family Readiness: Becoming the Parent Worth Following